“Welcome to my home on the internet!”
“A Letter Between Two Woman” Cont:
For those following our story-Â a small extract from a recent email from Susan:
Dear Susie,
On my return home there were so many things I wanted to tell Dan, especially about my visit with you. Oh how to say all I wanted to say to him and to you. I can tell you that my meeting with you was the highlight of my trip.  Finally, there was someone who understood completely my journey of 7+ years.
I have this lovely image of you standing on the train platform, so beautiful and so welcoming. I will never forget that minds eye
picture and I will be forever grateful for your trek to meet the American. The day was so perfect and so English. Bless you.
I have replayed our conversation many times and try to see myself in two years, in control of my tears and my life. You give me hope that I can get through the muck and mire and feel a tad more whole again.
Aren’t we lucky when all is said and done?
Your sister in spirit and love, Susan.
“Joy, Laughter and Tears”
It was a treasured seamlessly perfect, poignant day. A day when two ladies who had experienced and sadly completed the same ‘journey in life’ came together after five years of correspondence to meet at a little country station in Stamford, Lincolnshire, England. The oh so brave Susan wife of the late Dan Patterson from Colorado, came by rail from London with no working cell phone( having been informed it would work in the UK) and no means of contacting me should she become lost or miss her rail connections but thank goodness arriving safely at this small country station.
I had planned my journey carefully to make sure I was there at the station to meet Susan, no easy feat as living in a rural location and driving across country, it is often difficult to plan journey times precisely, as often you are caught behind a tractor slowing your journey to a snails pace and the weather conditions of late have brought some flooding to country locations. Still I was there in good time and asked the Station Master could I cross the little bridge and wait for my dear American friend whom I had never met before or even seen her face in a photo, but so wanted to be there to greet her on the platform as her train arrived from London. He was keen to oblige and smiled warmly at the lady wrapped up well against the chilling wind of this bright blue very exciting day, that “simply must be” on the platform to meet her American friend – he smiled the tired smile of some men when confronted with forceful requests – lucky I live in a country location – can you imagine getting on the platform at Charing Cross without a platform ticket!
I settled in the waiting room checking the neon overhead timetable every few moments excited but concerned that I would managed to find my far travelled friend. The train draw into the station perfectly on time ( thank you British Rail for not letting me down) and I held my breath as I searched the carriages for a lady similar age to me for that was all I knew ( you don’t really discuss hair colour when you are talking of grief do you?) and there, smiling the biggest smile was this supremely beautiful expectant face peering and waving out of the compartment window. Susan stepped onto the platform and straight into my arms – we hugged and hugged and smiled, laughed and cried all at once!   We kept looking into each others faces and it was as if we had known each other for a lifetime!
I had wondered what we could do for the day that would make it a little different -for a short day – for a dear friend from the ‘other side of the pond’ and so I settled on a visit to the beautiful majestic Elizabethan house of “Burghley” that was just a short drive away. We needed a good setting for this memorable day, we also needed plenty of good coffee and a fine luncheon. So having left my car in the station car-park so wanting to focus my attention entirely on this lovely lady I arranged a taxi to and from this historic inspiring grand home of William Cecil the first Lord Burghley (1520-1598) and still the home of the Cecil family. I asked the taxi driver to please make a detour around the very attractive town of Stamford so my visitor may see the medieval core of 17th century stone buildings and some much older timber framed ones. He was happy to oblige of course seeming proud of this little town.
It was a chilly blowy day with a lazy bitter wind but blue skies prevailed across our green land and peaceful pastures. We  spent time admiring the grounds and the beautiful façade  of this great house with the gentle roaming deer and wonderful views of proud noble trees and even though in bleak winter the sun shone for us and the pastures held their green.
And so it goes that two woman that only found each other through great sadness and just because a boyhood friend of Dan Patterson’s who was saddened beyond belief with the thought that he was to lose his greatest companion, trolled the internet for understanding of the wretched disease of Multiple Myeloma. This rare illness that had befallen both our men and Dan’s kind friend who happened across my little blog of love poems that had insisted that Susan read of the trials and tribulations of another  woman on the other side of the world, just like her, going through exactly the same sadness as her and her beloved Dan. Susan read my simple poems, came back again and again and the connection  was made. Every so often over the years I would receive a comment from Susan and then the emails began and the bond was made. Just two woman from other sides of the world, coming together in their grief.
And so with much joy, many tears, and many many words, we had our delicious coffees together and a splendid luncheon in the pretty Orangery Restaurant at Burghley. Not moving from the restaurant for several hours – five in fact! So many private words were spoken, so many tears were shed. Such a lovely, beautiful lady cut down with this heart wrenching grief, having just lost her beloved Dan only five months before but with such utter bravery and desire to meet the friend who had tried to help and understood only too well the dreadful grief she was feeling now. It was like I had known Susan all my life, experienced all of her pain and understood everything about the fight to try and help her husband to live, the time of profound caring and her complete love for this good man.  We talked and talked a mirrored image, back and forth in these beautiful surroundings, filling the hours completely. And so dear readers, yes it was just as it should have been, the sharing of grief, the understanding between two woman  of all we had been through and just as we knew it would be  our friendship was sealed…
“A Letter Between Two Woman” – We Meet At Last.
Tomorrow is such a special day as I am planning to meet Susan from Colorado here in Lincolnshire.  As readers to my blogs will know I have been ‘virtual’  friends with Susan for many years now. Susan is the other half of “A Letter Between Two Woman” which had been published here and shown below. We ‘came together’ across the many miles between us through the similarities of our situations. Susan was married to Dan whom she lost to Multiple Myeloma in 2012.
We already feel we know each other well and I am very excited to finally meet her. I shall update you all with our planned day – this will be such fun as although, through reading my blogs dear Susan has seen my face and feels she will know my face in a crowd, I on the other hand, have never seen a photo of her – so let’s hope we finally get together – watch this space.
Calm Are The Seas – Revised for Hamada’s Two Year Anniversary.
Calm are the seas I travel now,
the sail is down,
how tranquil is the ocean.
I drift past the deserted islands
with their scattered palms and
fallen coconuts,
I lay on the deck, with bronzed
skin and a salty mouth.
Calm are my seas as
I remember you with love…
The soft magnolia smell of warm breezes
whispers through my hair,
all is blue, placid and serene,
You are here in my memory beloved.
Always as essential as the mainstay.
Calm are my seas now…
In Reply – A Letter Between Two Woman.
Letter Between Two Woman Cont.
It has taken a while to get back to you though your words resonated and brought me such comfort. I am so grateful for your honesty and your ability to reach across the miles and speak so eloquently to what remains after the death of such a precious loved one. I am often floating in a state of utter confusion. I wake from a nap or the middle of the night and I look for Daniel and realize he is never coming back. He really died! The mind does play tricks with me. I have taken such a body blow. The worst fear of my life, losing my husband, has happened and I am still here. Sorting through such myriad emotions I am either wading through waist deep wet sand or free falling from the atmosphere.I know you are farther along on the grief continuum. I also know now that what has happened will never will leave my consciousness until I draw my last breath. When you asked if I would want to forget his death, I knew my answer would be ” Never!” It was a sacred moment. Such a cruel and horrifying disease. He melted away. As his body imploded his spirit grew. I believe he became a wise and holy man in his suffering. He
taught me much about grace and dignity, acceptance and gratitude.Now the new normal takes over and the day to day occupies but I never really feel whole. I am busy redoing the house, trying to lighten, brighten, and renew what has felt so static. I am amused by my little tasks in light of all l that has happened. Sometimes I long for time to pass more quickly so I could back and say I did the hard work of grieving and now I can create something that resonates for me. I would be lying if I said this has not affected my relationships with the girls. One wants me to show no emotion and is easily annoyed with me. I am the one here, her beloved father is gone. I realized I would have to take the hits, I am the “grown up” but oh I am tired of it. My other daughter, who lives in NYC, closes down and is often “unavailable”. So much for my dream of us all coming together in this new family unit. I will be patient but this can sometimes break ones spirit. I am always surprised by my naive view of what will be. The family will become stronger without the main man because we were all in this together. I think it must be broken first and then we will come back stronger in the broken places.I am taking the girls to Mexico for Christmas with my darling brother. Then I decided to get away and will spend 2 weeks in Paris in January. Sometimes running is the only course for a time. You may post anything you wish, I really have no problem with sharing this difficult and beautiful time. Your sister in spirit, susan
“An Open Letter” Cont.
Update on an “Open Letter Between Two Woman” Scroll down to see the beginning beneath the poem  “All Is Love” if not already following.
Dear Susie,
It is a beautiful fall day. The sky is bright blue and filled with gorgeous puffs of white. A true Colorado day with everyone outside on their bikes, running the trails, playing ball in the parks and enjoying the blessings of a perfect Indian summer. I find myself at loose ends. I met a friend for brunch and came home and felt lost. I have cried very little, made myself available to see the lovely people in my life, and tried to center my thoughts on gratitude rather than sadness. And then a deafening silence fills the house and I realize what I have lost. I find I can tell you these things better than others. I am busy acting “as if”, needing to reassure everyone that I am doing well. I tell my friends that I am whole despite this tragedy. And yet I know that I have such a long climb ahead of me. Dan’s best friend, Ted, has faithfully read your blog since Dan was diagnosed. That was how I found you. Today he wrote to me and said he wished he had the words you have expressed so beautifully over the years to clear out out the sadness and despair he feels. Once I read his words I knew I had to ask you if your life feels a bit more whole now. I know you have been doing the hard work of grieving and living and wonder whether you still feel that inability to fully breathe. It has only been five weeks but the rest of my life seems very long. I am blessed with friends and family and a home I can afford and endless possibilities (I hope) and then the magnitude of what has happened blindsides me. On my better days I can acknowledge death as the natural outcome of life, we are not to be spared. I tell myself my western attitudes of death are in need of a new interpretation. I am reading as much as I can about grief and yet find little solace.
I have spent seven and a half years being caregiver. Now I must redefine my whole life. And there is the question that nags at my consciousness every day. Where is Dan? He was Buddhist, I was raised Catholic and feel in transit. I am unable to find solace in the church. I am trying to be kind to myself as I count the days but I keep replaying Dan’s last breaths in my mind’s eye and wonder if that picture will be with me always. I do not want to forget a moment but can one move forward and remember the past so vividly? Time heals all wounds my mother used to tell me. Does it? I am really writing this letter to myself I think. I went to the Cancer Center on Friday to bring in the bags of drugs that had accumulated over the years. I wanted to dispose of them properly. I found it profoundly sad to enter a place we visited 3 or 4 times a week for years and know that it was really. We had run out of the possibility of a miracle. The nurses cried, I cried, the schedulers cried, I cried, and I left wondering if one could use up all the tears of a lifetime.
Susie, if you saw my life, even in my private moments, you would be saying Bravo, you are handling this so well. I do believe I am doing better than I expected. But life is so messy and our emotions can often hijack us when we least expect it. So I hope you will accept this wandering missive as it is meant, to talk to someone whose life has mirrored mine in many ways. I know we both we blessed with exceptional life partners. I want to honor that and I want to find the courage to continue and dare I say, thrive.
I still see you in your garden, mowing the lawn, enjoying the moment and I thank you for such a positive image. It gives me hope and makes me smile. I hope you are well and I send you my best regards. Yours Susan
Dear Susan (16th October)
Having just returned from a rather nice late holiday in Southern Spain with my son and friends I am drawn to your email first.  My best PC is away having some repairs  and so I am ‘limping’ here on an ancient model but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and have read with much interest your words written so eloquently. From your description of a bright beautiful fall day there in your home town of Colorado to here much the same. The gardens blown to pieces with the sudden gushes that have brought the red leaves of my Virginia Creeper down and scattered them like sad drops of crimson along the gravel drive and across the lawns of my little home here in the farmlands of the Lincolnshire Wolds. The gardens are untidy and need attention but will soon be bare as the weather in this part of England dictates. I am not a lover of the cold winds and enjoyed so much the warm weather of the past ten days. Winter is long here, the nights darken early and our winters often bring snow. Not the best time of the year for me as I approach two years without my best love…
How alike we seem when I carefully read you words that mirror so much of my early days of grieving and loss, the meeting with a friend for lunch and then the overwhelming sense of sadness on return. Profoundly engulfing with that terrible feeling of loss and aloneness I know it so well! Does it ever change? I have always promised to be completely truthful when writing my blog and will continue here as I know you would expect this of me. Sadness and loss have a habit of sneaking-up on you just when you expect them least. Sometimes joyous occasions can even be worse, the desire to turn around and share it with your best love and to find them missing. Oh that terrible feeling!
Often on holiday I thought how much Hamada would have enjoyed the warm sun of the Mediterranean on his back, the leisurely strolls and him loving this part of the world as he did. These feelings would I believe be impossible to lose. They will stay forever with us but we will learn in time to live alongside them. The days pass, almost two years for me and the pain is less raw now but I can’t say I don’t ever have wishful,thoughtful,needy days because I do. I cannot wish to forget or close my mind to these feelings of loss – I allow them to enter and fill my mind in quiet times. And then to put them aside in this special place in my heart and just get on with life once more.
Mourn now Susan not just for the loss of your precious man, but also for what will never be and then gently let it go…
Make small beginnings towards reshaping your life without the one you loved – easy huh? The books tell us that is what we need to do – but for all of us it is so different – love is different – is it not? I can talk of my love here but never to a counsellor. How would she know how I felt? Did she ever have a love like mine? I know I would be cross and angry, so it would be a futile task and of no help what-so-ever for me. Others may be different, other mourners might glean some comfort from that kind of therapy. For all of us we must take the path that feels the most comfortable in our daily lives and towards anything that will bring a fruitful tomorrow – tiny steps, tiny efforts, no more is needed at this time it is such early days for you dear one.
As to whether you will ever lose the picture of Dan’s last moments from your mind, I cannot say, but do you really want to? They are yours forever – your heart will soon learn to absorb this pain and you will accept this vision as part of Dan’s time with you here on earth, as he is now in heaven-yes I was brought up Catholic too! Think of him there, why not, free from all worldly pain, smiling and happy – that’s how I choose to think of my Hamada, resting quietly and always with his beautiful smile. Many would say that’s silly but it suits me well to believe this. As you know he is buried here in the village – a Muslim in a Christian Churchyard but that was his wish and I feel near to him here. Perhaps he thought in his wisdom that would be the case. He was so perfectly clever.
I still cry privately maybe not with tears but in my heart. An overwhelming sadness that arrives for no reason. It is no longer for others to see, but I am sure my closest friends and I know my family are aware of the sadness I still feel and probably always will. Back to that term I use often, that learning to live alongside this loss is what we have to achieve.Â
Always celebrate your loved one, even just in your mind and with your own memories, this celebration will keep him with you and part of you. For he lives within you and you are made of all the joy he brought to your life. This significant and enormous loss does change you (how could it not?) But you can choose whether the change is for the better or not. I am far more compassionate now than as a young woman. I don’t doubt my capacity to recover or yours but I believe that to live my life now to the best of my ability and at it’s most fullness is not a betrayal of his memory, remember your loved one would want the very best for you.
It is such early days for you Susan and your email reads of one doing so very well but please don’t expect too much. You will have many days of odd emotions. To and fro, back and forth with such powerful emotions of need. Of course in the first few days there is a certain relief when finally the suffering is over and your best love is at rest. Then a period of adjustment to being and living alone – not easy. Sometimes a feeling of anger of being left alone, Hamada was younger than me – I did not envisage being alone in my old age but this feeling of anger is short lived. I am by nature a very social person but now enjoy my quiet thoughtful times. I make little plans for my days – with silly small things – I often talk to myself or sing away  I have a deep love of music which comforts me. I shall soon be that mad old lady who lives at “Hemingway” If I’m not already!!! It may seem as if you’ll never feel truly happy again but your new joy when found, will have a richness, depth and understanding that will have come from knowing profound pain and eventually profound healing.Â
Expect to go back and forth with your emotions during these first months or so – I still choose to have my sad days – why not – I miss him so… It is our right to grieve and cry out for the good men we lost. But days do get better and you will thrive well, of that I know. Perhaps dare I say, you will go on dates one day again? Perhaps find a companion to travel with – you are still young and why not, but always keep your independence for I do believe this is vitally important. Good men are good listeners too!  Life has a habit of going on and we cannot choose to go back, as much as we would wish to do so, nor can we step off and stay with only our memories to sustain us. Believe in your own strengths after all you cared well for someone for all that time without hesitation or weakness – we can do this in loving memory – I know Hamada would be proud of me and I know Dan is of you too. I try to live in the present now, small simple things give me joy – I am sixty five next month but still feel there is more left in life for me. I seemed to drink in the visions of beauty on this recent holiday – noticing things in vivid colours and more detail than for a long time.
Sorry if I have rambled some – it has been a busy morning with interruptions one way and another and this old computer knows I am busy and is giving me a hard time! Still I pray my humble words will help you in some way. Written and sent with love.  Blessings dear lady.
Susie xÂ
Timeless Marbella.
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Having recently read how Marbella in Southern Spain had changed in the past few years becoming a tad tawdry and no longer that magical place I had visited several times as far back as the seventies, I was delighted when my youngest son Jo ask me to join him and his delightful Julia, for time again to visit a much favoured place of mine.
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I was not disappointed. It was a late holiday – October would not be considered the best time to visit Marbella as the season is coming to a close or at least a slowing of pace but how delightful this time of the year can be!  The sun warm and gentle, a feathery touch on bare shoulders, not the fervency of  the relentless burning months of July and August. Perfect for long walks on the Avenue Maria de Salamanca  free now of so many of the rollerbladers and joggers – do they go somewhere else at this time of year I wondered?  Stopping for good coffee and pastries at the enchanting  front line cafe “Cappuccino”  at the base of the watchful eye of the Hotel Grand Melia Don Pepe and choosing to sit looking out at the deep blue sea of the magical Mediterranean. Peaceful tranquil times with impeccable service and not that fast pace of the busy hotter months.
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How this suited my spirit, how this suited my soul. An old friend joined me and we sat in perfect harmony enjoying this pleasant interlude, the sun warmed our backs, with time to reflect as very good friends do.
Our base was the wonderful luxury Los Aquerous Apartments out on the Ronda road and high above Marbella – way up in the Sierra Ronda’s and each morning we were greeted with spectacular sunrises stretching across the mountains, often in a magical early morning mist as we sat for ages on the terrace enjoying those stunning views with our breakfast of fresh croissants, eggs and fruit – good coffee and great company. The views below complete with private swimming pool – as we were the only guests at this time of year – were spectacular.
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 Night time in Puerto is a must – A time to dress-up and go people watching, yes it is expensive but if you choose well  there are many delightful places to eat. We love “Khans” for delicious fragrant tasting Curry served perfectly and in splendid ambiance. Be careful to saviour your  cocktails if you go clubbing, as they are mighty expensive but they come large and fancy! Try a cooling Mojito at the Plaza beach, glasses stuffed  to bursting with tons of mint,golden rum and limes, or visit Sinatra’s and The Piano Bar (Joys Place) where we danced till 2am  and I loved the live music- gentle jazz songs and then the disco. I could have danced till dawn – perhaps  helped along by two tia- maria  frappe’s!!Â
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Then there is old Marbella – did a prettier place ever exist? Tiny alleys and small quaint streets, Flower covered villas and apartments dripping from attic balconies to  ground with colourful bougainvillea and vines. Good places for tapas or a cooling beer in the shade of  tropical trees, colourful umbrellas  and awnings,  adorning the open cafes and tiny interesting shops. With the smell of  special incense wafting through the lanes, I think I could stroll there forever – it never ever changes  and it brings me such peace. The beautiful 17th century church of Iglesia Santa Maria de le Encarnation.  sitting as it does in a quiet corner near to the 16th century – Capilla de San Juan de Dio’s  The Spanish are proud of  this place and rightly so with not a scrap of  rubbish anywhere – walls and doors freshly whitewashed and wrought iron railings sparkling. The street musicians on odd corners create a festive sound to this enchanting area.
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I wax lyrical about Marbella which in recent years has become a playground for the rich and famous and that’s fun too! But if you look beyond all that, Marbella  is charming. It will always bring back good memories for me and  now I have even more to add, out of season Marbella strikes a good chord in my heart….
York
This richly enthralling feast of eyes,
this bewitching walled city that sings her surprise!
The Romans named her Ebotacum,
Their choice of powerful authority…
A river runs through, enthralling
and plenteous wide.
With plethora of boats passing by,
on river Ouse, perpetual joy.
Beneath array of grey stone bridges,
garrets far above, their seeing eyes – their wondrous views.
From studios and penthouse places, a fortune now!
Affords this scene of delicious gaiety…
Sweet music from the handsome man with shining dreadlocks and sandaled feet.
We sat together you and I, drinking good wine, there in the sun.
Yummy food, some flirtatious fun!
The festive lanes of Shambles with assortment of old worlde shops.
In streets, their portico encrusted gargoyles peer from past, in strange odd corners.
The array of market stalls in garish colours.
All manner of life is here!
The crooner sings his catchy tunes, sweet memories from yesteryear,
that makes you wish to dance in city square.
This once 19th century railway hub, this bustle,
this fibre of good life, that brings the people here.
This template for joy.
This enticing city of York.
This God given day….
All Is Love by Susie Hemingway.
For Those Who Need A Love Poem Today
