Taking little steps and turning the pages of a new life is often difficult. A life that will be so different for you without the one you love. As I knew long before Hamada died, that he would not survive MM. We discussed a plan that would help sustain me through this bereaved time. Taking a little holiday as soon as I felt well enough to do so was something Hamada in his wisdom had suggested. I have always wanted to travel more, there are so many places yet to see and certainly not so many years as there once was to do this in! I would make a gentle start with a small trip as part of my healing process. We never dwelled on him dying but often mentioned little things that I remember now that were all said to help me. Now at his six month anniversary I have achieved my first trip away and how very lovely it was too.
I selected something easy and not far away, Denia in Spain. A place I had first visited back in 1968. When as a young woman I had stayed as a guest in a beautiful villa “Mar-Jon†close to the base of Mount Montgo, the mountain that sits as a watchful eye over this pretty seaside town.
Now of course packed to the gills with villas in every available space but still just as charming. I loved it then and always thought I would return one day. Selecting a good hotel safe for single travellers with all the comforts of home was fun to do. Marvellous food, loads of good fish and delicious vegetables and desserts and with people my age and older, all looking for a genteel time, of course with fun and laughter but aimed at comfort and ease. It was delightful to listen to stirring new conversations and make new friends among the well travelled there. I was surprised to know that some had been returning to this part of Spain for many years, singles and couples all very happy with the clean and efficiently run hotel with its excellent bar and enjoyable evening music. An attractive place to unwind after a good dinner and a day of walking and swimming.
Denia in Spain is still a lovely town retaining much of its authentic Spanish charm. The picturesque marina that I remembered as a small place back in the 60’s, is set beneath the pretty old Castle; it had stayed long in my memory. Now a fabulous place full of luxury yachts of opulence, marvellous paved walk-ways and wonderful cafes and tapas bars with upstairs terraces for fabulous views of the bay. I spent most of my days walking in the warm sunshine, admiring the sleek ‘sun seekers’ and the huge ‘gin palaces’ shining and pristine with gleaming chrome, their smooth lines of design resting gently upon the bright blue of the Mediterranean sea and so ready for the ocean.
I stopped each morning for marvellous Americano coffees to take in the beautiful views, then walked some more in the warmth of the Mediterranean sunshine. My shoulders relaxed as I drunk in the beautiful vistas and for the first time in many months not – and I know this sounds so selfish – having to worry about pushing a wheelchair or almost carrying my dear Hamada. I could have walked there forever with the gentle sun warming my soul.
A weekly market in Denia was a bustling delight, reminding me in some ways of the colourful souks of the middle east I purchased from a grand selection, two rather nice sun-suits for further holidays. The sweet Spanish lady insisting I tried them on over my t-shirt! Still she was right they fitted perfectly and would have still been cheap at twice the price. Bright and gaudy stalls covering a large area sold all manner of things and certainly worth time spent there. The level walk to the town centre along pretty streets with the red white and pink of the bougainvillea covering pretty courtyards in perfect weather was a delight.
Slowly I could feel the stress and strains of the past five years release from my body. I thought of Hamada often, as I embraced Denia and of my new life as a single person now. Enjoying this pretty mostly unspoilt town that has retained much of its Spanish charm with many places to stop for a cooling drink or little tapas. I enjoyed the best deep fried calamari’s (squid) I have ever tasted!
Sitting under the vine leaves of a centre cafe complete with fountain and pretty shops to view. I thought back on the struggles of many months past, knowing that I had done my best in everyway for my precious man and that he would have been so happy for me as I embraced a new life. There will be many sad times for me of that I am sure. For indeed he was my soul-mate but I am taking little steps and turning the pages slowly of this ‘new’ life… I am a strong woman and I have “The Power Within†to survive -Blessings dear friends.
Denia is beautiful and I am so thrilled that you followed through with something Hamada encouraged…knowing it would revive your heart and soul! Thank you for sharing these lovely pictures, and what it is like to embrace life, moving forward, yet never forgetting.
Beautifully written you have captured the feel of Denia and the northern Costa Blanca. Sometimes I fail to realise how lucky I am to live in close proximity to such scenery and opulence. Your gift for words has certainly reminded me. In the words of the gypsy stall holder “muy guapa”
Lovely stuff Mum – we’re glad you had such a lovely time. We know you are strong but we’re with you every step of the way.
Next stop – super summer holibobs with the crazy gang!
Beautiful words, as always, Susie. Your trip reminds me of my first ‘alone’ trip to Key West. And, no!, you did not sound selfish at all for relaxing without the burdens we both bore in caring for our special men. They know we did everything we could for them because of our love and now that they are gone they would be quite happy that we are finding out way. I do hope our travels will cross one day.
Dear Susie,
I am so glad to read that your holiday was a great interlude of rest, relaxation and reflection in a place which holds lovely memories for you.
Well done on taking a major step into your new, altered life without Hamada – he would be so very, very proud of your courage, resilience, determination and optimism !
I am the lady from Derby. ( Grandma to Alexandra & Harrison)It was lovely to read you description of Denia, so accurate, it made me wish we were still there. My husband and I were very pleased to meet you and hope that you had a safe journey home. Have read some of your beautiful poems and look forward to reading more. Best wishes, Joy
You are a ‘strong woman’ my dear friend & I love you for it! Hamada is absolutly behind you ALL the way! just like your wonderful family! XX
Susie, what a wonderful vacation, a door to the beautiful villa that is your future. You are three months ahead of me, by the calendar, and far ahead of me in your new growth. God Bless, and may you have many blessings in the coming years!
Most Sincerely,
Charles Nethaway
@ Linda.Thank you Linda for your kind and encouraging comment. Sending sincere good wishes to you and your family on the other side of the pond. I think of you often and your brave MM warrior. My positive thoughts wing their way to you, that all will remain well. x
@ Milligan. Thank you for your comment left here, indeed you are lucky to live in this very pretty and still unspoilt part of the world. I am glad my words here have reminded you of the surrounding beauty and peace such a lovely place can bring. Blessings dear friend.
@ Matt. Thank you Matt, I would never have managed without you all to spur me on during these sad days and now I am indeed looking forward with excitement to our super family holibobs. X
@ Dianne. I traced your good footsteps dear Dianne,as you showed the way in this grieving process I know our lovely men would be so proud of us. We must continue well now in the knowledge -as you say -that we did all that could be done for our lovely men. Peace to you dear one x
@ Elizabeth – @ The Garden Window: Oh! what a heart-warming comment Elizabeth but could this be because of the grace I know comes to me via your daily prayers. Belief brings strength and I feel this strength even when the days are painful for me. Thank you. Blessings sweet lady.
@ Joy. How wonderful that you have taken time to come here to read my words. It was so lovely to meet you both at Hotel Denia. It was such fun, I hope to return again next year – dv. I hope also that your very beautiful grandchildren enjoy their first trip abroad and the flying as I am sure they will. Take care and I sincerely hope you will visit again here x
Denia sounds like a wonderful place. And the photos are quite good as they really show what look to be superb views of the town and the Mediterranean. And everyone who has commented here is right; you shouldn’t feel selfish. And I agree with Dianne. Hamada would be incredibly proud of you for going forward. I know I am. 🙂
As always Susie beautifully written,I could almost smell the bouginviellia the way you described your walk. You are quite right Hamada would be very proud of you,and you should be proud of yourself also for all you have achieved and are going to achieve in your new and exciting future.Love to you Karen xxx
So uplifting. Your brave little steps into a new life. You are doing good to yourself and others, with your courageous outlook and actions. Keep on writing!
Dearest Susie – Just what the doctor ordered – time for you, time to de-stress, time to collect your thoughts and time for a new beginning. I don’t think you sounded selfish at all. The smiles on Hamada’s face in every photo clearly portrayed a man well cared for and as happy as possible because of the unselfish love and caring from you. He is certainly looking down on you with great admiration for carrying on in spite of your anguish and heart break over losing the love of your life. I think you’re a tremendous role model (as well as Dianne W.) for all the devoted caregivers touched by your stories. As a single person and one who has MM, I could only hope and pray to have such loving care when I’m in need. So, onward into the future you go and enjoy every journey. Much Love and Admiration – Lora
I loved reading about your stepping out into the world and making your new beginnings, knowing that Hamada had been a part of your planning was a good tip for caregivers of MM’ers. Why indeed should the link between life and death be so absolute as to not discuss options?
The little Spanish trip was a perfect choice, it seems, and your photos are quite lovely. I especially like your new profile shot with the hat! Blessings for your courage and determination… and hugs!
A lovely recounting of your holiday in Spain, Susan. I almost felt as though I were there with you–never thought a picture of calamari could taste that good. I was particularly moved by your courage in talking about how it felt to be sans the wheelchair. Not all moments with our beloved were beautiful and romantic, and you acknowleged that. I think that in order to let go of our grief we will have to let go of,–to use an American idiom– the good, the bad and the ugly.
@ Walt – Thanks Walt how kind you are – hope the dentistry work went well and all is good now?
@ Karen – Thanks Karen for your constant kind words of encouragement . I am praying that your pain is less now and that you are able to get it under-control once again. Peace and love.
@ Lileng: Thank you so much for taking time to place your comment here. I am so happy that my words can bring some comfort along the way. It makes ‘bearing my soul’ so worthwhile. Blessings to you dear lady.
@Lora: Thank you dear Lora for your absolutely generous words of encouragement. I wondered when posting this blog whether my readers would have thought this is all too soon but I knew it was right for me now and all part of my healing process. I hope that you always have the care that I gave to my beloved Man and if not, I will be on the next plane – never fear about that! Love and kisses for all the ‘roads’ we have travelled now.0x0x0
Thank you Zena my dear dear friend – We as Scorpios are made of stern stuff – thank you for your continuous support and your love. xoxo
@Charles – we are doing well Charles, complete with our wonderful memories – I think of you and pray that you will be granted peace comfort and blessings dear friend.
@ Sandy Thank you Sandy, I had hoped that others may glean a little from this post, especially about managing to discuss future plans with love one. It is of course so different for each of us, some may feel it not appropriate and even upsetting for their special person but H seemed at times worried for me and needed to know I had some plans to help in the future months – my love to you – keep safe and well X
@John. Very glad to know I tempted your taste buds with the photo of the delicious Calamari – worth the trip to Spain for that alone! It is indeed good to acknowledge that somethings/many things during our caring lives, were not very pretty and often difficult. Still we managed with grace and can look back knowing we did our very best. Letting go of our grief is different for all of us but I know that Gwen would be so proud of you and your wonderful writing. Peace is wish for you.