Although my days are painful I am making small beginnings towards reshaping my life without my loved one. It is good for me to write once more and I have started in a small way. The snow is still heavy on our lanes and now with even more predicted the temperatures are falling sharply once more. It feels as if it has been a long Winter already, as my thoughts turn to my first Christmas in more than thirty years without my special one. Today I decorated the Christmas tree, it would have been so easy to ignore but with my family arriving at this special time, what would our dear Grandson think if there was no tree ? Grandpa loved the twinkling lights and would always admire gracefully the work involved. I can see them both together, looking at all the little ornaments collected over the years. My heart ached for Hamada today as I completed this task.
I walked in the snow and laid a perfect cream rose on Hamada’s grave this week. I know I am still shocked and numb but accepting and peaceful that I did all that could possibly be done to ease and comfort him during these past years. The pattern of each persons grief is unique to them, mine has been shaped by the particular relationship we had. All that was ever needed to be said, was said.
And so: I don’t really believe that you ever “get over†such a significant loss in your life, grieving is among the most sacred thing you will ever do. This quiet abiding feeling is I feel a connection to my precious loved one. I don’t really ever wish to lose it, my memory of him and our time together will always be maintained as I embark on a different chapter of my life.
So I decorated the tree observing our tradition with a simple ceremony that eased my pain.I can see Hamada’s lovely smile and his delight at this years result. “Missing you Habibiâ€
“I wish all my readers far and wide a very Happy Holiday and much joy and peace to you allâ€
I imagine that Hamada is wishing you were not so far apart just now as well – and if thoughts have wings, there are doves flying to and fro with all those messages of love between you.
May this Christmas season bring you moments of joy and laughter even though there are certain to be other times when grief seems overwhelming and know there are others out here who are thinking of you during this new phase of your life. Hugs…
Susie, that tree looks a bit fuzzy – is that you or the camera? I saw the FB comment regarding you being well stocked with liquid provisions! ;D xx
Oh, oh and that currently picture at the top is gorgeous (i’m assuming it’s local to you) I love mist and fog.
So the other day as I walked my usual route, at the very spot I said goodbye to Hamada last Monday at three, I looked up, and a giant hawk landed on a branch about thirty feet above me, in an old oak tree. A flock of mockingbirds descended upon him, dive bombing and pestering him, but he just sat there, and we looked at each other for nearly five minutes as the little birds continued their assault.
I continued my walk, and the hawk flew away. I haven’t seen him since.
Thanks Sandy for your warm and welcome words as always – wishing you a wonder-filled Christmas wherever you are on your travels.
@ Paula – I will try again with the photo it is very poor! btw “Hemingway” is always well stocked – medicinal of course! lol x and yes the grey photo at the top is looking north from the Village churchyard.
@ A giant Hawk I like that Michael. H was a ‘giant’ of a man not in stature, although tall before his dreadful illness but a giant of a man with his calmness, self-command and bearing. He would have dealt with the mockingbirds just as he managed most things in life – complete dignity. A Hawk is a most appropriate sighting, as most like the Falcon. We use to spend time watching the bedouins in the desert of the emirates, admiring their skills with these awesome birds. Thanks Mike.
As usual youve brought a tear to my eye,thinking of you trimming the tree alone. Im sure some of the pieces have a story behind them only you and Hamada hold. Also you wouldnt be the Susie I remember who would put a little splash of something special behind your ears when going out. I will never forget one of the fetes,we were doing Petticoat Lane,and you had your flask with you,now thats what I call a class act.Love Karen xxx
Thank goodness for children at times like these… or we would let these things lapse in our grief.
The tree looks beautiful Susie.
I’m so pleased you were able to carry on with your holiday traditions, Susie. You are so right – the pattern of grief is unique to each of us – and as Lori said, it really does make such a difference if there are children around. No grandchildren to miss my decorations, so it’s just easier to let it pass this year. I’ll try next year. Merry Christmas to you!
@ Karen – Hey you brought back memories of Petticoat lane! I have photos somewhere, remember that lovely sign you made?
@ Yes Lori Thank goodness for our children although they are grieving also they have been ‘a tower of strength’ and I know they will cheer me up over the holidays.
@ Dear Dianne, Not easy is it? everyday brings painful thoughts, quite honestly it was very difficult doing the tree but I did feel it was another small step for me. Can you not at least get some lovely red flowers – roses or even carnations and loads of greenery, a place to put a lovely photo of Vern make a sort of ‘special place’ with perhaps a tea-light or two. I have hung the large photo of Hamada that was used at his service and put a little bronze angel under and I chat to him when passing. Nothing strange – I am as mad as a hatter these days ! Love to you x
Now that I’m home I plan to put our manger on the fireplace hearth. Just can’t do the tree this year with all of the memories the ornaments bring. I do already have a ‘special place’ – photos of Vern and his urn, the many angels that have been given to me, and the tealight that was lit at the hospice memorial event. Adding some fresh greens might be a nice extra touch during the holidays – thanks for the suggestion. I talk to him all the time (announced “we’re home, honey” when we got back last night). We’re new widows, I think we can get away with what others might call “mad” behavior.
Susie,
I am sure Manu will be thrilled that you have still decorated the tree despite the very difficult last month you have all had…….and it looks absolutely lovely.
One never “gets over” the grief of a close bereavement; I am learning to live *with* my grief.
I talk to my late brother all the time; I have photos of him around the house and in my icon corner where I say my prayers 🙂
Sending love and hugs from a very snowy South Wales.
The first holidays are the most difficult, they say. It’s true.
Not that those farther along get easier, necessarily, but they change.
Wishing you a warm and loving holiday, Susie.
Even in spite of the fuzziness, the tree is very pretty. Nicely done!
I can’t add anything to what has been said here already, but I certainly can both agree and identify with it. When my Dad passed away, I remember watching my Mom go through her grief. And I suspect you will have much the same journey as she did. Don’t be afraid to lean on your family – they are there for you and I’m sure you know how much they love you.
Sending a huge hug from the Granite State, Susie. 🙂
@Dianne – yes I do think it’s a good idea to have a ‘little place’ x Some days are so painful I can hardly breathe! I know ‘it’s’ suppose to get better but….
@ Elizabeth- I agree with all you say – I don’t think I will ever managed to ‘get over’ this but I MUST learn to live with it well.
Keep warm – the UK is really being hit with some cold weather now. It does already seems a long Winter and it’s not Christmas yet x
@ Thank you Jean , so nice to hear from you. I wish you much peace and joy for the Holidays and all very best wishes for 2011 x
@ Thanks Walt, Nothing as ever been MORE painful and I have known grief before but this time well!
My family are the best and although they are grieving too, I will have them close at Christmas.
Happy Holidays to you and Martha and to your family and all the very best for 2011
Get over him !!! NO… I think the pain can go away, to be replaced with the joy and fond memories of the time you spent together. God puts special people in our lives for a reason. Work through the pain and don’t rush… Grieving is there for a reason and it has it’s own time frame. I’ll do my part here in the states and keep you in my prayers. Do your best to enjoy your family for Christmas…. With Love, Steven
Bless you Steven – needing all the prayers you can muster right now. Keep well and thanks.
Your words are your strength. It is good to see you writing again. All the best to you and yours – and wishing you a very happy New Year.
Sending you love from across the desert to you in your lovely snowy village. Christmas is such a lovely time to have your family close, enjoy the traditions and all that goes with it and share a toast to absent friends and loved ones. Love Audrey x
That was lovely to read Susie. All things start from small beginnings as will this next chapter in your book of life. Hamada and your thoughts and memories will be in every chapter wherever you are and whatever you do – I just hope it’s something exciting when that travelling starts. You’re always such an inspiration to me and for you to know you did everything you possibly could must bring you great, great comfort… sadly I don’t feel I’m always as good as you’ve been, but I keep trying. Much love and appreciation for sharing so much with us all. xxx
Dear Susie
First, let me say how very sorry I am for the loss your dear husband.
May his memory always be a blessing!
And I’m sorry I have not been around to visit you.
Have not been feeling too well and very seldom online.
This was a beatiful post and I thank you for sharing it!
Merry Christams, Happy New Year, God bless you always!
Margie xx
@Thanks Roobeedoo, I will get back on track with my writing in the new year – I must it is always helpful.Wishing you a very
Happy and Peaceful Christmas and Healthy New Year to you and FL.
@ Thinking of you all in the lovely desert lands – It is on my list to return for a visit one of these days, as I start my travels once more – and wishing you all a wonderful time with your family – hope they all made it?
@ Tina, Thanks for your lovely words of comfort and hope for the future. I have no doubt you are the very best carer. It is never an easy task, you just do the very best you can and that is always enough x All very best wishes for a peaceful Christmas and New Year.
@ margie: Merry Christmas to you and a very Happy and Healthy New Year, I am sorry to read you have been unwell, hurry back to us, we miss your writing x
I look the lonely tree and think the other trees which come from the same roots and growing and surving…against all odds life is
going on dear friend and also he just want like this…I want to tell you too much thing, but sometimes can’t find the exact words…
Wishing you and your family a very happy New Year!
Sincerely Yours
Thank you Aslan for your kind words – I know that Hamada would want us to continue without too much sadness but this is a difficult task at the moment – as time goes on perhaps it will become easier. my very best wishes to you in your lovely Turkey.