Feeling sad and cross today at the passing of yet another good Man to the dreadful disease of Multiple Myeloma. My heart goes out to dear Karen at the loss her beloved Hugh suddenly at the weekend. I have posted below a poem written in 2009 which sums up my feelings today. This poem was written at the height of my anger at such a hateful disease.
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May Karen find the solace she so deserves during these sad days and in the coming months. Much is now being done to find a cure but we so need more research into this difficult and most awful disease that appears for some reason to be on the increase.
All blessings dear Karen and  rest in peace dear Hugh.
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THE FIGHT WITHOUT CHOICE.
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It was never a choice was it?
It sneaked in and through
along and around,
this nasty wicked beast that coursed
along the channels of our lives.
It tangled and tried to spoil,
bent, broke, quietened and flawed,
it tried to rob, steal if you may
inflict damage and take away.
It encumbered, hampered, distressed and sapped,
this dark encroacher that went too far.
Still it did not spoil or mar
Love twixt us two,
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this fight… without choice…
Feeling sad and cross today at the passing of yet another good Man to the dreadful disease of Multiple Myeloma. My heart goes out to dear Karen at the loss her beloved Hugh suddenly at the weekend. I have posted below a poem written in 2009 which sums up my feelings today. This poem was written at the height of my anger at such a hateful disease.
Â
May Karen find the solace she so deserves during these sad days and in the coming months. Much is now being done to find a cure but we so need more research into this difficult and most awful disease that appears for some reason to be on the increase.
All blessings dear Karen and  rest in peace dear Hugh.
Â
Â
THE FIGHT WITHOUT CHOICE.
Â
It was never a choice was it?
It sneaked in and through
along and around,
this nasty wicked beast that coursed
along the channels of our lives.
It tangled and tried to spoil,
bent, broke, quietened and flawed,
it tried to rob, steal if you may
inflict damage and take away.
It encumbered, hampered, distressed and sapped,
this dark encroacher that went too far.
Still it did not spoil or mar
Love twixt us two,
Â
this fight… without choice…
So sad to read this…… hoping and praying that a cure will one day be found.
Thank you Sian, It was such sad news to receive today and I am sure that one day a cure will be found but we must keep-up the profile of this awful disease if we are to hurry along the research. If only in this small way.x
Such sad news, yet again. No, it was never a choice … but the love lives on. Bless you, Susie.
It does indeed dear Dianne – I sincerely hope you are doing well – although some days are still very tough. I am saddened to know that yet another sweet lady must endure this pain, how difficult the coming days will be for Karen until she finds peace and learns how to cherish and walk with her love. Thinking of you often xoxox
oh, my dear susie,
i wish i would have checked your site sooner. i wasn aware of this beautiful message you posted for me and the lovely poem dedicated to my hugh. thank you with all my heart, dear and chreished friend, your kindness and compassion has been etched into my heart. perhaps it was meant to be that i discovered it tonight, just past the time fathers’ day is over. thought we celebrated our son adam’s being a fabulous, completely engaged father, and it is in happy evidence that hugh’s legacy is being lived within adam every day, our hearts were so full of longing to have my darling hugh with us. you remember – all the firsts without our loves – when the hateful and beastly myeloma claimed your precious hamada. i did not know my eyes could manufacture the volume of tears i cry, i did not know that the emptiness and feeling so bereft could tear so painfully at my heart, that loniness and longing could wield such cruel and decimating waves of grief. i did not know that flickers of thoughts, so foolish and nonsensical would continue to flash through my weary mind – like when i go to turn my cell off at night, a brief hesitation stops me for a second, to suggest better leave it on, he might call, or when i pull into our driveway and still get excited momentarily at the thought he is home and i can’t wait to tell him something.
dealing with all the “business” of death has been excruciating over nearly 6 weeks. i was so overwwhelmed i didn’t even know what questions to ask of medical benefit people, financial advisors, bankers, laywers. my hugh was a lawyer, very organized with all i would need – a will, an advanced directive, meticulous accounting, bill paying systems, files, lists, phone numbers, et, al. opening the mailbox each day was frightening, putting my handside was tantamont to being afraid of being bitten by snakes! but i am happy to report that most of that work has been completed and i am grateful that i have excellent medical coverage (i still will require medical care for ST IV metastatic breast cancer), and all the finances sorted out, along with medicare and social security. thanks to my son,, adam,, and his lovely wife, who just happens to be a CFO and wiz at organizing these things.
the 8-10 hr. days spent learing the ropes of practicalities stole away the time and energy i needed to face grief head-on. and i had a sinus condition, so was not even able to sniff the remants of scents left on hugh’s shirts for weeks. now, i am all past that. most of the reality of his death has sunk in, and though i use his shirts like woobies i take to our bed with me at night, to breathe in that comforting hugh scent, grief breaks through and send me reeling and being tossed and battered in it’s huge waves that always wash over me with no warning.
but little by little, i am learning that the degree of profound grief is proportionate to the quality and joy we had in all our 46 years of marriage. and i am learning also that grieving is a completely inward turning focus – one has no choice in that, it is what it is. but i am learning that once it has it’s way with me, is when i do have a choice – to remain focused inward, or make a decision to get outside of myself and turn towards things that give me happiness and pleasure – calling friends to chat and make plans to get together, writing my comments on blogs i love, reading voraciously books and poetry that soothe me, taking my girl-dog sadie for a long walk, and puttering with flowers and herbs growing near our pond, listening to frog songs and the gentle flow of water from the fountain. knowing i have gathered the strength to be able to make those choices helps me to be determined to take care of myself, and empowers me to not completely succumb to the rigors and exhaustion of grieving so profoundly. although, it is tempting to think of taking to my bed, curling up into a fetal position, and sleeping hours and hours away. and i know i cannot promise that won’t happen at some point.
as hugh and i struggled with all the ups and downs of our dual cancers, both deemed incurable, we were very proud to feel we did quite well to live in the present and appreciate the joys of ordinary days. we had time to practice, practice, practice. now that will be my blueprint for living my life without hugh. still, there are days i just want to rail at how sudden his death was, and all the future we looked forward to, and i am not so satisfied with ordinary days. i still wish for just one day to be with hugh, one day that i would trade the rest of my life for, just one day to hold each other close, to see his beautiful blue eyes light up with his handsome smile, for him to call me his darling girl, to tell each other we loved each other more every day, to hold hands and walk old haunts, to gather our children and grandchildren to us and enjoy a veritable feast of love. it truly is the most difficult and challenging aspect of this point in time to make peace with awful truth of the absence of his presence. how does one pass through that awful truth? i will have to call upon my deep spirituality, and invite it back into my life to be able to feel his presence, as i rid myself of wishing and hoping for things that are never to be again, and turn my face away from what cannot be to what will be possible.
i feel blessed and comforted to be in your thoughts, dear susie. i think it will help me to go back to your chronicles of the earlier period of grief you suffered with the loss of you beloved hamada, read your poems and glean more inspiration than at first blush when i still had my hugh. thank you dear friend for being such a source of inspiration and an example of graciousness and dignity.
much love and thanks, XOXOXOXO
karen, TC
Dear Karen,
Your letter to me has pulled at my heartstrings, it has summed-up the power of loss so well and the need to overcome the intense pain felt at losing a beloved. So many that are bereaved believe they are the only one that has, or could possibly be, experiencing this utter pain.
Loss of course is different for us all but when you lose the whole reason to your life, it is beyond all imagining. For me after the early days of devastation the ‘place’ inside me that remained hollow, in time, became a companion; as strange as this may seem. This quiet abiding dull feeling of sadness and loss was my connection to my precious loved one. It was my connection to Hamada. I learnt to embrace it.
Life matters, no matter how long or short and because we carry with us, and walk alongside our loved one always, during and beyond this time, it is for me, the way we prolong their very existence. The way they live on.
I may not have put this very well but from intense pain, the pain you have now, comes a richness and a depth that comes from having known such profound pain and then profound healing. I have written of this before but it is difficult to understand until that time of healing appears. Be open to rebirth dear one – look for small daily blessings – life will not or never can be the same but it can still be so worthwhile. Your grieving is among the most sacred and most human things you will ever achieve. Of course it is not what you ever wanted, but it teaches us all the mystery of life in someway – try to honour this in loving memory of your darling Hugh. I am here for you any time you wish to talk Karen. My love and so many gentle hugs I send your way xoxoxo
Powerful words, Karen it has been beautiful to read your words, such love ! It’s quite overwhelming … I am so sorry for your loss.
Karen…I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
And Susie…thank you for always being a wonderful supporter of us all.
Thank you for your kind comment Jo.
Thank you Angie for taking time to leave your kind comment here. I sincerely hope and pray, that life is becoming more settled for you now and that each day brings new blessings. xoxox
Your words is like balm to the broken hearts. Sadness is so hard to live with but you have shown time can heal. You are so brave. Susie thank you for care and love to the myeloma community.
How kind you are Lilengchan to comment here – I am so glad that you find my words soothing. Time helps with the pain of losing a precious one but it is the understanding of acceptance and learning to live successfully alongside the loss. Myeloma came into my life so suddenly, opening a whole new world, one I hardly understood in the early days but I made so many dear friends during those five years and onwards. Life brought different blessings amongst the pain of this time. My very best wishes to you and to all those who suffer with this harsh illness. xoxox