As this month embraces Autumn I recall the September of last year and the wretched struggles of that time. I suppose in retrospect this backward view, this sorrowful indulgence, is something that those bereaved need to do. A kind of summing up as you approach the first anniversary without your special person. It is not maudlin or mawkishly sentimental, far from it. It is for me necessary for shall we say, the organization of the mind.
In the early months of loss, when so numb the years of caring seemed like a bad dream. I could not breathe without pain through the sorrow and I would have turned back the pages of the book to have him back with me in an instant. Of course never to see again the horrors of this disease or the damage it inflicted on this gentle wise man or for him to suffer on and on but just to hear his voice calling my name or to see his eyes light up when I entered his room.
I was not the only one amongst our friends to suffer loss that year. MM took many of our newly made friends in 2010. Friends made at the hospital, diagnosed at the same time and internet friends made out of a need to follow together as Carers. We used our common knowledge, clung together in an effort to help, support and glean information fr0m each other when we could. We became a strong body and positive in our efforts to champion, protect and help.
For the first few months of MM although I clearly knew the facts but because of our strong love, I believed we could beat this disease and although I saw and knew well the terrible changes overcoming Hamada, I continued with hope until the end.It goes without saying that this period of my life, the immense shock at diagnosis, the daily struggles, doing my best to help was and has been without doubt the most difficult period of my life but we made it to the end with peace and dignity and you will too my dear friends, the many of you who are still fighting for your love ones. Obtaining the best care you can for them and guiding them daily, to achieve a good quality of life from this a most difficult disease and the saddest period of your life.
Together with love and tenderness these days become supremely special and will stay eternally in your memory. It’s really all we ever want is it not, to be loved and well cared for in our final hours.
As Hamada’s first anniversary approaches, I have decided not to write here again about his ‘journey’ unless asked for advice or information regarding caring with Multiple Myeloma. I hope to move on to other subjects but I will of course follow my friends blogs, checking in on them from time to time to see how they are doing.
I think my dear one should be allowed to rest in peace now. My intentions are to take time to get on with the years left to me. To enjoy each God given day to the best of my ability and to embrace new joys that have presented themselves. It would after all be just what Hamada would have wanted.
*“There comes a time to remind yourself of your reasons for living. You have a future worth enduring and you deserve to find a renewed sense of purpose and pleasure in your lifeâ€
*From Grief Therapy by Karen Katafiasz.
I love your resolve to “enjoy each God given day to the best of my ability”. You served your husband well in his time of illness, and like those of us currently caring for our loved one, you did so with love, respect and kindness. Blessings to you as you move forward.
This is one of the most amazingly beautiful, touching and important posts I have ever read. Thank you for letting us feel that your dear Hamada, was in a some special way, our Hamada, too. Much love to you, Susie. Sean
You are very wise, Susie. Love, hugs and prayers.
Important stuff indeed Mum, I’m right behind you… lots of love.
Susie, Thank you for writing this post and where you are now, coming from where you were then. I was personally sad about Hamada’s passing, as we often feel like we knew him, thanks to you. But I’m equally happy every time I see your smiling face, with your children and friends, doing things to uplift you. It gives me hope, that no matter what comes, I will indeed be OK, eventually. Love you!
Lori
Its hard to put into words the emotion that I felt when I read about your beloved. I hope that you really do take care of yourself and live with loving thoughts of your dearly beloved Hamada. Sally
Hamada wants this. Enough about me, he says; it’s about you now.
I’m looking forward to checking in now and then, and watching from a distance as your journey continues. Best wishes from Providence.
Beautiful post Susie, thank you.
I found this and thought it very poignent,hope you dont mind me posting it to you.
Sorrow,no matter how great,cannot pass into its own darkness,without leaving traces of the scents and sounds and touchesof the love that created it….
I am so happy that you now feel at peace with moving forward with your life,and all the new adventures it will bring. Live your life to the full,dear friend.Much love and blessings,Karen xxxx
Well said, Susie; I’m not there yet, but thanks for showing us what it might look like.
@ Linda – thank you Linda, well thats the plan anyway. I will do my best as Hamada would have wanted. Daily blessings are wished for you.
Thank you dear Sean. How generous you are with your comment. I believe we all became friends that shared our stories together, perhaps hoping to help each other and find the peace we needed. I would always read your comments to Hamada and he in return would be amazed at the friendships we all made.
Thank you Sian especially for thinking I am wise – thats really something! Love to you x
Thanks Matt – I know you are X
Oh Lori – never think of the time to come, it may not. Life unfolds in so many ways we can never know the outcome, but you are such a wise woman that you will always survive of this I’m sure. Much love to you x
@ Sally: Thank you for your kind words – I do intend to make the most of these days now. Loving thoughts of Hamada are always with me. Bless you.
@ Michael – yes you are so right but then you always were. Thanks for all your wonderful support and caring words over the years. So very much appreciated. Love to all in Providence.
Thank you Rene.
@ Karen – I love that little verse you so kindly sent – how true – we are made up of all our memories be it music, scent or just joyous times. All these things make us what we have become today. We move forward carrying with us all that life has sent, what we do with it is up to us. I believe I am a better person for the sadness that I have suffered. Thank you for your constant support – I wish you much joy good friend x
@ John.
Good friend don’t rush this time. It is different for all of us. One morning you will wake with joy in your heart once more. Joy that you had all those wonderful years with Gwen. All that love, something special , something that many never experience. You will wake with joy in your heart for having known your special lady, for this I am sure.
Blessings.