“Welcome to my home on the internet!”
Coffee Morning Cakes.
A Mocha (coffee and chocolate) Victoria Sponge Cake filled with butter cream and a fat-less Sponge Cake topped with chocolate butter cream. Ready for the Horncastle coffee morning. Raising funds for St Margaret’s Church Hemingby.
Such An Exciting Week!
This has been a very busy and some what exciting week! It started when my sons Jo and Matt invited me to join them all on their summer holidays in August. They usually arrange something about this time of year but I have not been able to join them in recent years, as leaving Hamada for a fortnight in the care of others would not have been something I would have considered. This year they had their usual grand debate about having a villa in Tuscany or the South of France. They really love villa holidays and a large crowd all went together last year, having much fun. They are also lovers of the “All Inclusive†deals that take all the hassle out of arranging flights, accommodation and all the extras that go with a really good holiday. So this year we are all going to a very nice hotel near the Red Sea in Egypt. Both of my sons have been there before and do select well from the Hotels they know. This particular Hotel has a large casino, so I must put aside a little for that. What fun! Also Shisha and a nice Spa which Mummy likes very much. The recent troubles in Egypt have not reached this far, having a nephew in this area he assures me that all is calm and much the same as always. Egypt relies so much on it’s tourism that they must get back to normal as soon as possible. So lets hope it stays calm and peaceful and we get to go later in the year, I can’t wait!
So having then really got the holiday bug I booked a sneaky week away in May. Taking a page from their notebooks, doing the “all inclusive†thingy. This time a nice looking hotel about a mile from Denia on the Costa Blanca in Spain. I’m going back to a place I first visited in 1968. Denia was only a small port village then but is now a large rambling town. Set at the base of Mount Montgo, it has a very pretty Marina and I chose a hotel near to the sea-front and a room with a balcony. I shall look forward to doing a little walking in the May sunshine and also catching-up with an old friend while I am there too.
What a hoot! Two holidays booked in one week! Get me,the lady who has hardly left her village in five years, with only one exception, a short holiday in 2008 when we managed to take Hamada to Minorca, so he could dip his toes in the Mediterranean once more.
And so my exciting week continued…when attending a local auction I bid successfully on several lots, coming home with a much battered 1920’s writing desk. Needing much restoring but won for a ‘song’.
I may leave this desk with it’s busy past alone, as it seems to tell a story showing well it’s providence and what life has done to it, much like me really!
Then with a really silly bid, I managed to get a lovely picture that I fell in love with on the preview day. This picture shown below, called “Oranges and Lemons†was in a lot of two old pictures, well knocked about. I have cleaned and restored them and one now hangs in my sitting room the other, a sort of old Art Nouveau print is in a guest bedroom.
There was a few other little things but needless to say these also needed some restoration work, this will give me much pleasure to attempt and with little cost turn these bargains into something worthwhile. It was such an exciting day as my Sister Jenny and I were also bidding for another friend and I loved watching what items sold for, what we could manage to achieve and the antics of the whole procedure. We plan to make this a regular event, it’s such fun even if you don’t spend a thing. It was warm and cosy,we had lunch and even made new friends. Our local Town of Horncastle is well known for it’s antiques shops and with many house clearances that make-up the majority of these auctions. I am planning another little foray into this unique world of the local Auctions . Exciting it was!
“Thinking of You”
Like all the days before.
And all the days that come.
I am thinking of you.
Where are those dark eyes of my pleasure?
The warm gentle smile, our kisses.
I can hear you, I can smell you.
I have so much to tell you.
The clearest visions in my mind,
are of your beautiful hands.
Shuffling the cards or counters of “tawlahâ€
I miss our games! I miss so much
your calm movements, your voice,
your love…
I feel your presence but cannot find you.
The world is going crazy, do you know of that?
I wonder what you would have said?
I know you would be proud of me.
You always were.
Everyone says I’m doing well.
Doing all you told me to do.
Perhaps I need more practice
I always needed more practice!
Remember? (smile)
I don’t need to shut my eyes to see you.
Your presence is always here.
In that place I carry around with me.
Do you know its almost three months
I’m thinking of you today
Like every day.
I’m thinking of you…
All Rights Reserved.
A Special Time.
When I was caring for Hamada my son Jo asked what would I like to do when I was able to spend some time away from home. When you are a carer well for me anyway, I seldom thought beyond the next day prescriptions, caring, or hospital appointments. We still had great occasions but going anywhere in the past few years was of course difficult. You give of yourself gracefully when you love someone deeply. Still somewhere tucked away was a wish to see the old haunts of London again. I had worked there in the sixties and have never lost my love of this wonderful city.It had been a long time since I have spent anytime there and you probably know the old saying “When you are tired of London, you are tired of life†and I am certainly not tired of life!
So last week I drove down to my son Jo’s beautiful barn in the Chilterns, such an amazing weeks stay, right from the moment I arrived to the lovely on-suite room on the first floor.
Jo had arranged some wonderful carefully selected treats that he knew I would just love. Starting straight away on the first night with cocktails at a very exclusive club in Beaconsfield called “Crazy Bear†www.crazybeargroup.co.uk The stunning elaborate decor was something else! take a look at the link. I spent the whole time admiring the setting and the beautiful young people that adorned this trendy place. I selected the pretty coral pink cocktail “Singapore Sling†the base being Bombay Sapphire Gin which is a firm favourite of mine. It was absolutely delicious! From Crazy Bear we went on to a rather cool Moroccan restaurant “Ayoush†www.ayoush.com we had a Mezza starter and then a delicious chicken and spinach dish which was supremely buttery, something I will try to recreate at home. Then a Lamb Tagine which is so typically Moroccan and with the Arabic music playing, it really set the scene, I felt as if I had already had a little holiday in some foreign clime.
The weekend brought the best surprises with a real reason to dress-up! Jo drove early to London the first stop being the exciting, simply amazing Vertigo42 ! www.vertigo42.co.uk this cool champagne bar overlooking almost the whole of London. We sat on high stools in front of sheer plate glass, going through security and then whizzing –up in the fastest lift possible I was beyond excited. This magical vision which delighted me as I quickly spotted, St Pauls Cathedral, Tower Bridge, The Millennium Wheel, City Bank in Canary Wharf and all those sparkling lights of old London Town. The shining curves of the River Thames slithering like a snake between the old and the new buildings of this wonderful capital. Even looking down! on the aptly named Gherkin which shadowed below us made my heart beat faster. What a thrill, I could have stayed there forever watching and looking at the amazing history of this sensational twinkling city-view, from what seemed like the middle of the sky.
Next stop was a treat beyond compare and a place that I had long to visit again, having gone there for afternoon tea in the late 60’s when as a young girl I was working in London. Yes you’ve probably guessed “The Ritz†This beautiful old hotel which dates back to 1906 and opened by Swiss hotelier Caesar Ritz. The building is neo classical in the Louis XVI manner, built to resemble a stylish Parisian block of flats. It was the first substantial steel-frame structure in London. Elegant beyond compare with service of exceptional perfection. From the moment the door of Jo’s car was opened for me and the doorman taking the car for parking, to the warm welcome and perfect attention to the visitors needs and just ultimate luxury throughout. With its faded pinks and gold ornate ceilings and priceless crystal chandeliers, it is a delightful place to visit. We had cocktails at the art deco Rivoli Bar which was divine and with a perfect “Iceberg†I drank this beautiful azure blue drink in these quite perfect surroundings as my eyes feasted on the splendid soft lighting and perfect elegance of this stunning hotel. I thought later as I tip-toed down the pink faded carpet to the Ladies Power Room, just who had walked those stairs before. Edward VII,Charlie Chaplin, Sir Winston Churchill, Noel Coward for sure, Judy Garland,Evelyn Waugh,Elizabeth Taylor. Oh! such names to conjure with.
The Rivoli Bar, built in the Art Deco style, was designed in 2001 by interior designer Tessa Kennedy, to look like a bar on the Orient Express.It certainly looked like that and so much more. It is wonderful to know that these elegant places still survive in this sometimes harsh world of ours. Stunning and spectacular!
We are not really supposed to take photos but I will insert these two that were taken by mobile phone – so does that count I wonder?
“Putting On The Ritzâ€
Jo is a perfect host, looking after me so well during my five dayâ€special treat†stay, he has inherited many of his Fathers elegant and stylish ways. I am supremely proud of him, how clever his wonderful distraction therapy has been at this time.
Thank you Jo. Mummy will return to her quiet little village content and thrilled at this fabulous treat and my memories of this delicious time will stay for always.
So Many Things To Cheer !
Moving on now with days becoming more cheery and loads of Spring shoots appearing in the garden which always brighten your spirits. It goes without saying that of course I am still missing my special man very much, but there has been much excitement in the “Hemingway home†to keep me distracted. I have so much to be grateful for. Jo and his new lady arrived for a really nice weekend together with Ellie (my niece ) and Stu, with all of us having a jolly time at the village pub over a good meal. The house seemed brighter and it was lovely to have their company.
Firstly something to cheer and finishing last week, a new vamped kitchen! Bringing everything more up-to-date with wonderful work achieved by dear brother-in-law Ian. Keeping the cost down by using the little bit out-of date but still good condition, existing cabinets. I added two extra high level cookers and two new hobs. All the cabinets and power had to be redone with new under-shelf lighting and a microwave was added into a concealed cabinet to make it more streamline and modern. It was no easy task as rearranging an older kitchen is always so much harder than starting from scratch. It was long overdue but not being able to have the disruption while Hamada was poorly I am now thrilled with the result. Thank you Ian, for putting up with all my requests and for the perfect work achieved.
Also, as shown in top photo, I wanted you to see the wonderful work my sister Jenny did re-upholstering a chair that I’ve had since 1967 ! This chair with the most unusual shape being very wide at the back, was brought for me by a dear Aunt who is no longer with us and so the chair was much treasured. It was very shabby having been used all these years for everything from a nursing chair to an extra dining chair, and many more uses besides. I can see my babies sitting in this chair at various stages of their lives and so pleased that it could be saved with Jenny’s skill.
Jenny took this old chair stripping it right down to the solid oak frame, re-varnishing the woodwork, replacing stuffing, webbing and even piping and covering silk buttons, completing with this very beautiful but rather impracticable silk material. This was chosen by yours truly, a pattern I just fell in love with. I am so very thrilled with the result and the beautiful work that Jenny has done, it fits my eclectic/mishmash taste so well. Thank you Jenny for your skill and for saving this much loved chair. I wonder what dear Auntie Dot would have thought of it now? At 44 years old I think it looks splendid, what do you think readers ?
“Cairo” by Susie Hemingway.
The disaster that is now our beautiful Egypt! I am pleased Hamada did not live to see this terrible fighting and bloodshed for he would have been so sad. Stay safe dear family and good friends. I know that you read here and some of you have internet restored again now. Stay strong and positive. I am thinking of you and praying that peace will come really soon. Below is the re-posting of my poem “Cairo†The beautiful Cairo we all knew and loved. May it return to us once more.
“Cairoâ€
Oh Cairo of the sepia light,
empurple in the late of night,
the sparkling rays on marble stones
the quickest steps and gleaming domes.
The narrow streets and alleyways,
the different smells, the different ways.
The hookah pipes, the mint tea trays,
Oh Cairo and your faded ways
The empyrean of mosaic mosques,
the many souks and little shops.
The hot and dusty lives we lived,
the little child with flower to give.
Street cafes where every day
we sat and watched in wondrous gaze.
Oh Cairo, I remember all those days.
The perfume shop, where we paid
to smell like Chloe, in a way!
The special time, with special friends,
we thought that it would never end.
Halcyon days spent with you
enticing splendour of garnet hue.
Twinkling stars in darkest night,
Oh Cairo of the sepia light.
The dark robed men,
with beads and dice,
delicious honey with special spice,
the bright and silky lengths of cloth
tahina, lentils in a pot.
Can you recall this magic place ?
for I can see your handsome face.
Oh Cairo of the sepia light.
@ Copyright 2006
Extracts and Insights into Letters written during the month of January 2011.
Dear John,
Monday 24 Jan.2011
Yes indeed we can John, we can do all manner of things if those things bring us comfort. Kissing the special bookmark is a tender act of remembrance as you think of your wife. We fought long and hard to help our partners and so the path we take to bring comfort is ours to choose and ours alone to find. If a little gesture brings some peace or comfort to us, then it’s a must.
I try to keep busy to get through the days although not so in the first few weeks. I have now started this distraction therapy with a little work at “Hemingway†Work that was long overdue, re-designing the kitchen bringing it more up-to-date. Planning in my mind little things to take care of during the next few weeks, I thought might help? I sincerely hope your days have not been too painful this week.
When tending a love one and making all decisions for their medical care, arranging drug ordering, keeping the many hospital appointments and with all their personal needs to attend to. The very many things that are important to make their days comfortable. Then all of a sudden when they are no longer here and all their daily needs stop, it is like losing a right arm. A huge chasm opens up, a void you feel like jumping into. The awful emptiness that fills your mind and time “what do I do nowâ€.
So I have been trying to fill my days with little projects. Not terribly exciting plans but achieving something small everyday gives me a structure to focus on, a sense of purpose in a way. I talk to Hamada often just like he is in the other room as I am sure you talk to your precious wife also. I still put on his favourite music forgetting he is no longer there to listen but hoping he can, am I mad?
I was cleaning the window of his bedroom from the outside, something I often did- in between the window cleaners coming-so he could always have a nice shiny perfectly clear view of the sky. As I was rubbing away at the glass I could clearly see Hamada’s reflection in the glass! I looked and saw him propped up in his bed smiling at me. So I bent forward and blew him a kiss then on seeing clearly that the room was empty, my heart filled with such pain again at the missing of him. Things like that upset your day, the desire to see your love one just one more time, or for me to hear his beautiful voice often overwhelms.
So keeping busy for me is paramount but I’m still not up to large social ‘do’s’ I live in a tiny village, our community is close and there are often rather nice things to attend. Village Hall Dinners, Music evenings but I’m not ready for those yet. I scuttle and flurry about like some demented black bat with my private thoughts and memories at times frightened they might vanish. Silly really for if they did, so would I. Of course we shall survive not living the life we had imagined but we shall keep our memories safe and perhaps by talking about our grief we may give some hope to others.
I pray you have a peaceful week and manage to enjoy some good days.
All very best wishes for your continued peace.
Susie.x
Hi Anne,
Wednesday 26 Jan 2011.
Yes today was difficult just like you said it would be, the horrid two month anniversary. Can it really be this long? You said it would be this way and you are so much further down this difficult road with your loss than I. Eight weeks! this longing to have him back seems as if it has been forever. The quietness now in the house after all the bustle and arrangements of funeral etc. I am sure it is harder in a way for us because we spent so much time with our partners. Far more than any ‘normal’ relationship. Caring takes all the hours in a day unless you are lucky to have some help. Even so, it is hard to leave your loved one and for most of us, we were hardly apart in the last few weeks at all. How close we became, almost breathing together in the end, watching and tending to their needs in those last precious moments together. Then the exhaustion that arrived when all was completed and all necessary paperwork attended to. I could not think of anything except my loss and the wishing he was with me here again.I found myself spending much time sleeping in the first few weeks, buried deep beneath mounds of duvet; the weather was freezing with snow that matched well my icy heart and body. I did not wish to wake from the place without pain but I would always manage to get up in the early hours, shower and dress. The first thought on waking was so painful and my whole body shook with grief and longing. I found it hard to get warm although the central heating is perfectly adequate. Being shivery is normal I believe and impossible to get warm I would creep back to bed at the first opportunity. All I longed for were hot baths and even hotter mugs of black tea and to be completely alone.Fancy those being the only things that could bring comfort during this time, I would clasp the mugs of tea as if they were a life line.
You have told me of your comforts, how different we all are but whatever works is the right path to take. As these days go by we will see a progress in taking a new direction with our lives and that in turn may give us some peace. Look forward to hearing from you again.
All fondest wishes and hope for your recovery.
Susie x
“Tell yourself how well you do. You may discover you’re doing better than you thoughtâ€
Permission granted as “open letters†All Rights Reserved.
Two Months Today.
It is two months today since I lost my Hamada and I have been looking through some photos and found this lovely one showing his amazing smile. I thought I would share it. I shall keep smiling today in honour of this lovely Man.
Sorrow Is Better Than Fear – A Carers View by Susie.
“Sorrow is better than fear…
fear is a journey, a terrible journey,
but sorrow is at least an arriving.â€
Alan Paton.
Looking back on the fifty- five months of caring for Hamada and although the sadness is an utterly desolate pit to try to escape from. I am inclined to agree with the words above. From the time of diagnosis although very hard to take onboard, my first and paramount thought was how can I make this time, this journey for Hamada the best it can be. Most importantly especially at the end.
At times this consumed me but certainly not all the time. I was so busy fighting for the best treatment for him and learning all I could about the particular disease of Multiple Myeloma but often in the early hours of the morning when sleep was over and my mind was as sharp as it can be these days. I worried that perhaps the end would not be as I hoped for him.
I had talked to Hamada as the months went by about what he wanted most when the time came. We did not dwell on these morbid thoughts and often I denied positively that this time was not on the horizon, or in the next few months as was first thought. Often declaring sincerely that he would probably outlive me.
I always gave Hamada great hope that this would not be for many years to come and certainly for a vast number of MM sufferers this is now so. Hamada was a quietly wise man but he had many complications that I knew were insurmountable and so I think did he. We never gave way to hopelessness and only considered losing the battle on rare occasions. Never dwelling, just getting on with treatments and trying to make each day important and special. With many goals to reach along the way.
I knew from these occasional discussions that he so wanted to be in our little home here in the country. He wanted to die looking at the sky in the comfort of his own bed, listening to his favourite songs and with me at his side. Thank goodness this was so.
So often as my family will testify, I worried(feared) that Hamada would be whisked away to hospital and not be where his heart desired to be ( hard one this). Very often by nature we panic when the time comes – wishing to help as much as possible to the end- never thinking that nothing more can be done, especially if it has been a long fight and many battles won. A hard place to arrive at in the Carers mind but so incredibly important and must be found. The time to know when it is ok to stop.
And so yes, sorrow although so hard is better than fear. For fear is a dreadful journey, I can attest to that.
23rd Jan 2011 – 2months since Hamada died.
“Across and Beyond” by Susie Hemingway
Beneath the deepest seas and over land between us.
Through eternity that life controls.
Across those magic desert lands and dark green forests,
dripping in time of souls before.
Our faith, our bond, covers this space willingly.
I’ll catch the hands I know above this highest sphere
unseen now but across and beyond.
I’ll kiss those lips I know so well.
Hear that voice I long to hear
but do not think of me until we meet Dear One,
It will be faith that helps us to believe that we shall join once more,
across and beyond…