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An Open Letter.
An Open Letter:
When we are in danger of losing a love one from serious illness we do everything within our power to search for a solution by means of medical help from every source we can find, to save them, and in so doing keep them with us. We lean on friends and family, delving deeply into their views and experiences of life’s most difficult moments. Sometimes it is easy to chat with someone you hardly know but who has been through the same thing that is approaching you now. Susan had been reading my ‘Poems of Love’ for a year before Hamada died, over at www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com Her comment written just after Hamada died and shown below tells of her own situation and how our lives during the past years were running the same course. The follow extracts are from our correspondence, truthful exchanges between two women bearing the same pain and the same experiences. And now as dear Dan has the news that time is short we have been corresponding again. Thank you Susan for the permission to post here a couple of the comments and emails that have passed across miles that separate, with the hope that our words might help others:
Comment – November 2010 .
Susie, I have been the keeper of the flame for my darling Daniel as he battled multiple myeloma for almost 6 years. We have had three transplants and have never had remission. I happened on your blog a year ago while sitting in Dan’s hospital room and have been a reader ever since. Tonight when I learned of Hamada’s passing I could barely contain my grief, for you, your beautiful family, your friends and I suppose for myself as well. I often wonder if today will be the day and the reality of your news made me wish I could embrace you and tell you that someone in Denver knows what a courageous battle was waged. Please know that you are a sister in spirit. Yours in great sympathy, Susan.
Email 13 August 2012.Â
Susie, the doctor gave us the news today, perhaps 2 months. Dan is sad because he always could wring more time out of this deadly cancer. To be told it is over is shocking. The girls, 29 and 25 are bereft as am I. I have told none of my friends or family yet but I am asking you if you have any thoughts to share about this leave taking. I think it odd but comforting that I am reaching out across the miles to you. Somehow you are a sister in spirit. Yours, Susan
In Reply. 14 August 2012.
Dear Susan,
Where to start? I am full of grief for you Susan. I am so very sad for your dear family and my heart goes out to you all. Firstly, many times the Doctors are wrong, as they were with Hamada and I pray that Dan will continue well for the longest time.
I suppose my last days with Hamada are all I have to go on, although I have faced death before it was never on my own. Somehow, somewhere the strength comes. I do believe there is a God so I prayed that he would guide me during this time. I prayed that he would help me ‘let go’ and he did. I prayed that he would ease the way for my beloved and from somewhere support came. No one will be able to understand this time and this loss for you. It is a unique experience for all those who lose a much loved partner. Hamada helped me too – he knew he had come to the end of his fighting. He told me he was so tired and this I knew was the start of his journey home. (I am full of tears as I write this but I must try to help you) I am sure that when the time comes, that Dan and you will know and accept too. In the meantime you must live these days quietly and with ease, for all will be well. Use your great strength for it will come, wait with patience; serenely in the joyous confidence of your love for each other. For this time is yours and yours alone.
Family are grieving too, but no one can see your heart or feel your pain. It is for you to find your own solace and strength and you will, for I am sure of this. Looking back I know I shut down my pain during the last few days. I continued to write my updates but devoted all my time to Hamada. The family had visited at the weekend and so for the next two days I chose to be completely alone except for a short time when my dear sister and her husband helped me to bathe Hamada and although he was deeply sleeping I believed he could still hear me. I never stopped telling him, of my love for him. I knew the time was coming because of a change in his breathing. I still wanted to be alone with him. He was my best love as Dan is yours and you will know what is right for you. I held him in my arms even after he had died. I did not wish to disturb his passing in any way. And then when I was really sure – I called for my family to come. This was our choice; it may not be for you. I knew from what Hamada had told me on the Sunday night that he was asking for my permission to rest now. I would have given my all -as you would for Dan- for him to stay with us longer, but it was my duty of care to accept and to allow no further intervention which would have been futile. You will know dear-one when the time is here. Please accept these last precious days of love together -for love is the greatest of all gifts and we have been lucky to have known such joy. My thoughts and prayers will remain with you throughout this time.
“Father, hear the prayer we offer. For strength that we may ever live
our lives courageously. Be our strength in hours of weakness
in our wanderings be our guide .Lord I implore you, to always be at Susan’s side”.
I am your sister in spirit, all blessings dear lady.
Susie.
16th August 2012
Dear Susie,  If this disease has taught me anything, it is to approach life with an open heart and utter honesty in the face unbearable moments. I know that may not work for everyone but it has kept me on the high road these many years.  Yesterday we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. The girls arranged a beautiful dinner in Boulder, Colorado at perhaps the best restaurant in the state. Julia and her boyfriend drove us the 45 minutes from Denver. It was perfect from start to finish. I don’t know what the girls told the restaurant but we were greeted so warmly and handed a glass of champagne the moment we walked in. Everyone came by to wish us well and our waitress said she could only hope to treasure someone for as many years as we have. At one point we were laughing so hard that I had a flash that I would probably describe my life with Dan, even the cancer years, as two people always making each other laugh.I flashed on the thought that one could capture moments over these many years and most would find us roaring with delight. I might add he has one arm that is broken and useless. He thinks he broke the other arm this week and can barely lift it. That did not stop him from taking his best girl out for a night we will not forget. These are moments of such grace and valor that they take my breath away. I cannot tell you how much your correspondence means to me. I do have a sister of the heart. Yours, Susan
18th August 2012.
Dear Susie, Your email to me was balm to a very weary and troubled soul. I know it could not have been easy to relive and write those words. I also know that you have reached out to many these past years (most probably your entire life) and your goodness and wisdom has calmed and soothed many a heavy heart. Your description of the last days mirror what I have had in mind. Dan does not want to go to hospice and tells me he will die in his own bed. He is at the hospital, as I write, getting blood and platelets. He still refuses to stop all treatment since he has a 60th birthday in a few weeks and wants a party. God love such courageous people. His other arm broke yesterday so now he has two arms that are almost useless. He doesn’t complain and seems to grow more beautiful in his suffering. I remember thinking that of your dear husband. I was fascinated by his face and the story it told of love and strength. I will keep you posted but I do not want to add any burdens on you. I think you are marvellous! I am grateful that you reached out across the miles and I humbly thank you for your honesty and compassion. Yours, Susan.
18 August 2012.
Dear Susan, You would never be a burden dear lady. I just wish with all my heart that you did not have to go through this dreadful time but such is life for all of us at sometime. My positive thoughts and all prayers will continue for you and for Dan, throughout the coming days for all strength and courage. As my last poem says †Give me your hand that I may walk with you†Many hugs across the miles Susie x
29 August 2012
Dear Susan,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you every day and that you and Dan are in my daily prayers. I am hoping beyond sense to believe that Dan has rallied and I shall continue to wish with all my heart this is so and that Dan has a wonderful 60th Birthday. How are you? I know you will have not a minute to yourself but I am sure your daughters and family will be close-by to support you.
Keep strong Susan – this is yours and Dan’s time now. Sending lots of hugs and my very best wishes. xxxx
Susie.
Dear Friend Susie,
My daughter Catherine has called this a beautiful disaster. I find it an apt description for a situation that seems to bring with it a multitude of sacred and profane moments. Dan’s left arm is useless. Now the right arm is broken and there are a number of ribs that are cracked and causing great pain. When I tiptoed out of the bathroom, to quietly leave without waking him, he started singing “My Girl” in a voice ravaged by steroids but beautiful to me. How can one move from such highs and lows and keep oneself from spinning into a million broken pieces?
The house is full of flowers, cakes, food, and wondrous cards and messages that all pay tribute to a life well lived. When Daniel went to the Cancer Centre on Thurs, all the nurses and his oncologist threw him a surprise birthday party. Imagine an exam room filled with balloons, streamers, a gorgeous homemade cake and all his caretakers. The” beauty of this disaster” keeps reminding me that we only have this moment.
The girls and I spend endless hours on the bed talking to him about what he considers his life’s principles. Why have you always found it so easy to take the high road we ask? How do you manage to keep your equilibrium in situations fraught with pot holes? What principles do you think have been your guiding truths in your professional and personal life? And on and on and on. For I fear not asking the question that will become so important to me later in not having his answer. It is totally irrational, I know, but I have no excuse for the musings of an unsettled mind. My brother flies in today to spend time with all of us. And Dan’s siblings will be here in a few weeks. They will no doubt live their North Dakota childhood once more with endless stories and great hilarity. The goodness of people is humbling. This morning Dan told me he now has set his sights on being here for Christmas. From his lips to God’s ears I silently say as I kiss his cheek. And I face this day knowing that people do care so much. Someday Susie I will personally embrace you and tell you what a difference you have made. Yours in light and love, Susan.
5th September 2012
Friday, September 07, 2012
Dan is finally free from mind numbing pain, years of treatment, hospitals, cancer centers, transplants, specialists, death sentences, hopes raised and dashed, worries about health insurance and sadness about leaving a family he adored. I have you to thank for helping me be my best self at his leaving. I had your words to ground me on the last day of his life. I was not afraid, as I feared I would be, and Julia and I were able to be with him as he labored to be released from the bonds of an earthly body. I prayed the Rosary at his bedside for I have always found comfort in Mother Mary. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. As Dan is a practitioner of an Eastern Religion and a meditation teacher, I whispered his favorite Sanskrit chant is his ear. Julia and I kept our hands on his heart center. He looked to me to be concentrating. When he breathed his last breath, we bid him farewell and thanked him for being such a wise and wonderful husband and father. It has been ten days since his death and I just sent my beautiful Catherine on a plane back to NYC. Now the real work begins. We have had a houseful of people for these many days, many tears, great gulps of laughter, tall tales told, family, friends, and wonderful memories. I so want to tell you about the funeral ceremony but I have decided that is for a time in the future when we can share a cup of tea and stories of the best men we knew. The house is deafening in its silence. But I have a picture in my minds eye of a lovely woman in the English countryside mowing the back lawn on a summers day and realizing that all is well. Thank you for your compassion and constancy. Yours, Susan
“Give Me Your Hand”
Â
Give me your hand so I may
hold it tightly within mine
and walk with you.
Give me your gentle heart that I may care for it
when days fall apart, fail us
or allow us to succumb to
the remotest corner of our minds.
Give me your love so I might take it
to a place you may never have thought to visit.
And then to weave it tightly in a silken cloth
that cannot easily come undone.
Place your trust in me to bring colour to your cheeks and  joy to your days. Give me your dreams that I may place them in a small trinket box for safe-keeping, so you may return once more and share them with me. Give me your wisdom so I may learn from you. Allow me a small place in your heart even though I am unable to yearn for more…
Give me your hand so I may walk with you…
All Rights Reserved @ Susie Hemingway.
“An Image Painted”
As brush to palette, as hands to clay I sketch and mould my words. Nothing lustrous here no bright and gaudy colours, no smooth or shaped sculptures, just simple truthful words to look beyond, between the lines to find the crumbs of comfort I try to pen.
Words that spill like broken pearls scattered from saddened mind. The same feelings as yours perhaps?
The words fall to paper forming like inky dew to glisten and shine…
I seldom find the phrases I need to mend this heart of mine, to weave this magic spell for you.
As brush to palette. As hands to clay. As words to… Â Â All Rights Reserved @ Susie Hemingway.
Kiss Me.
Kiss me before you leave.
For there may never be another tomorrow.
Look at me clearly before you go,
                                                    for I may not see you again.
Hold me tightly for even fleetingly,
                                                   I need to dream of other days.
Let me look at your reflection in the stream of life.
And allow me to hold your smile in my hands.
Then I may remember your face,
               amongst the raw wounds that fill my mind.
We may not see the future together.
So maybe now is all we have.
Kiss me,
                      before you leave…
Copyright 2012.
The Smell of the Earth.
The smell of the earth met my nose,
the rich soil crushed beneath my feet,
so different the greens of the gorse, I sighed
as I trod God’s glorious land.
Breathing deeply, the cold air spiking my lungs.
A light mist felt damp against my warm face,
the view majestic from every turn.
I dug deep for energy for I was on top of the world,
for this is what it seemed to me.
The barren trees looked wicked
their prickly swaying arms fighting against the cruel wind.
This place suited my mind, this place suited my soul.
The dry stone walls stood strong but in odd places,
who had built them there?
The sun and the clouds merged as a delicate rainbow presented…
Up in the heavens I found peace.
And you were not far away.
Safely tucked in the pocket next to my heart…
All Rights Reserved 2012.
Responding, Lt. Michael Morse…
Captain Michael Morse, at Rescuing Providence,
has had his second book published
and it is now on sale.
I read and loved his first book and will most certainly be purchasing this one, as it looks to be just as good.
Please click the link above and buy the book.
You will so enjoy his real-life tales.
Michael has been most supportive and a dear friend over the years. His success is so well deserved.
For Everyone With A Partner.
Let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you,
Love you,
Bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in a quest of
some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may,
For it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth
Or bury my face in the pillow.
Or raise my hands to the sky and want,
more than all the world your return.
Red Rose Photo from Susie Hemingway’s Collection.
Clear Day–by Susie Hemingway.
It was a clear day
Crystal clear
Sparkling light in a cloudless sky
Lines were etched on your familiar face
You said nothing and neither did I
What could be said?
Dark branches stretching against a blue sky
I looked at the trees, bare now and cruel
Nothing will change, how foolish to think it could
It’s too late now…
I traced your face with my fingers
You smiled.
It was a crystal clear day…
All Rights Reserved.
Sometimes All It Takes.
This week I received two very lovely comments regarding my poems, both in the same vein informing me how much folk enjoy them and how they helped them when grieving or in pain. Yes of course I receive daily comments, it would be unusual if you wrote a blog and never heard from anyone but sometimes the wording of these comments propel you forward to keep trying to perfect the one perfect verse. I am supremely pleased when anyone leaves a comment, just to imagine someone taking time from their busy schedule to bother to email me saying how much they enjoyed my words, a phrase, or a particular poem delights me. Sometimes they may refer to my words having helped or brought healing tears at a point in the lives when sadness was choking or blocking their emotions. That upon reading the simple phrases written here, they say it was enough to know someone understood their own pain and could perhaps share it with them. Being sad or worried is a lonely road and often one you cannot continually share with your personal friends or family. Grief affects us all at some time in our lives and to different degrees but I yearn to understand how some of us survive while others do not.
Unless you have been or are a Carer, it is often difficult to understand the daily stress of following harsh schedules and the responsibilities for another person’s life. So often this comes upon you suddenly and it is difficult to absorb all that appears before you. If you have no nursing experience you are confronted with serious decisions to help your partner to make regarding the right path to take with medical matters plus the emotional side too; often with no outlet for your own feelings, which hover near the surface daily. My choice was to write down my daily feelings and in my simple words I found a voice that started privately but ended up world-wide! I will try to continue with my ‘poems of love’ after reading these two rather special comments this week asking me to do so. Blessings and thanks dear friends.
On another little subject that seems to be most difficult at this time of the year for the newly bereaved is the putting- up of Christmas decorations. Often these have great sentimental memories attached to them and are often collected together over the years if you have been together for a long time. I have talked of this recently with dear friends on-line and through social networks. Folk who are struggling even to get a few pieces out of boxes for the festive season. Me too I’m afraid. Really I feel it depends whether you have grandchildren visiting or not. Last year when very newly bereaved I made a huge effort to do all the ‘normal things’ especially for my Grandson and family. I found it most difficult but he had lost his beloved Grandpa only the month before and I wanted all to be as it was in previous years when he visited. As if it could possibly be but I am sure you understand. I wanted him to think nothing else had changed too much. My feelings if you live alone now, that perhaps changing things a little can help. It’s painful when so much is going on around you, Christmas displays and festive music in all the shops makes it difficult to function without sadness as it is. So instead of having your normal decorations, perhaps having a small arrangement of twinkling branches maybe flowers instead of the tradition tree if that is what you used to share with your special person. Change things a little. Perhaps a decorated photo of your loved one with gorgeous scented candles that can be lit when the mood feels right for you, would be better for your heart.
When Hamada was very ill he would love to look at the Christmas lights even more than before when he was busy, he would watch as I decorated the tree with little suggestions here and there. The following poem written in 2008 tells about that and is shown below. Have a joyous Christmas my dear friends with all your good memories, as precious as the love you will always have for your special person.
In Christmas Lights.
Sharp and crisp as snowy nights
crystal clear in prism lights,
gentle orbs that sparkle bright
shining are your eyes tonight.
Reflected jewels of liquid amber
like dripping rich fondant creams,
chocolate in the deepest hue,
I bow my head to look at you
Eyes that hold this strangeness well
in candlelight they watch and drink
forgotten words, much time to think.
A bitter pill that’s hard for you,
as fairy lights come into view,
white and gold’s, red and greens,
you simply watch in reverent scene,
reflections in those honest eyes
of baubles and of Christmas time.
In Christmas lights my poems for you
expressed in love, a poignant view…
All Rights Reserved: 2008
First Year Anniversary of Hamada’s Death.
I felt it appropriate on this first anniversary to post again two poems written around this time last year. The first, the simple poem “This Rollercoaster Life†was written when I knew and needed to accept that there was no more that could be done for Hamada or rather that there was no more medical intervention that our dearest Hamada could possibly have managed or that he wanted done. Although we still kept hope alive really apart from the love and tender care I could possibly achieve during his final days, I knew I had to accept that this was the time to stop fighting to keep him with us and pass on my care to the Almighty. The second poem was written shortly after losing Hamada and deals with the acute and painful feelings of this time. Letting go with dignity is hard when all you want to do is scream aloud with the painful sadness you feel. I have made it through this first year with much help from my dear family, very close friends and my MM friends worldwide. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their love and patience but mostly I chose to grieve in private, apart from a few rants on here or when hearing a favourite song or piece of music that we both loved, caught me unaware. I may place a smile on my face everyday but my heart tells a different story.This man was much to miss!
“Hamada’s story†is still and will remain on http://www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com It is in reverse order for the new friends who I know come here from other sites to read about MM, ending with his final days and covering more than four years. All aspects of emotion in the form of poems and many entries on caring and loving someone deeply as we both came to terms with the disease that is Multiple Myeloma.
Today and always I salute this special man: “I miss you dearest one as the sun comes up everyday and the moon appears at night, and as private as my tears fall, I miss you with every breath I takeâ€
“This Rollercoaster Life†– 24 October 2010.
As swooping as the Rollercoaster
my heart hangs in fearful suspended news
that fills these ‘purple days’.
Days that bring shattered dreams,
only the strongest mind can hold.
My laughter becomes an echo that teeters on the edge
as I snap and break at disclosures strewn around.
My heart bleeds to dissolve this anger
which knows no bounds and as unruly as my mind.
Soaring high into this shimmering mosaic sky,
I hang on like a child that screams into the wind,
as these punishing swoops, turn into views as
fragile and as consuming as this Rollercoaster life.
All Rights Reserved: October 2010.
“Let Me Not†– 2 December 2010.
Let me not falter dear Lord.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Guide me now to complete this task.
Let me not plaintively wail and scream as my heart doth now.
Allow me to show dignity that he always showed.
Let me not stand beneath the stars and scream his name aloud.
Let me remember this day, as we honour him.
Grant me the courage that he always showed.
Let me not go down on my bended knees and shout at the sky,
And implore you to return him to me.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Give me the strength Oh Lord not to fail,
with this final task…
All Rights Reserved: November 2010
"Poetry is the opening and closing of a door,
leaving those who look through to guess about
what is seen during a moment" Carl Sandburg