Although missing my lovely man so very much I feel somehow in a calmer place than the last few weeks. Nothing is easy when someone so precious to you is no longer there, everyday is an uphill climb; everyday a struggle to find yourself again. I have felt like hibernating which suited the weather that we have been having but knowing that I cannot do that forever. I have starting with a little walking and have been trying to plan some small projects to help me to reshape my life and try to look to the future. All little steps take tremendous mental energy, for all of us bereaved these little advances come at different times it seems. I find my tears still arrive at the least expected moment but I welcome them now as a sacred act of remembrance. I have rarely cried in my life so this is something quite new to me but I know it fosters healing, giving me some understanding that love is such a spiritual bond that death really does not sever.
It is a purely selfish need to want Hamada back with me once more, I feel that my loss has drained all direction to my life, all joy and meaning. I desire more than anything to see him once more particularly to hear his voice. Still the hollow feeling I carry around is now something I value as a connection to my love one.
At last I managed to settled down to read again all the wonderful letters and cards of condolence that although I had read before when they arrived in huge bundles but then being so distraught, I felt they all deserved another quiet read through. It was wonderful to read again the heartfelt messages of love and and wonderful snippets of all the different memories of our dear Hamada, written by those who knew him and some from those who did not, written from all various aspects. Most using the words “Such A Gentleman†and “His Smileâ€This seemed to be a way of peacefully celebrating his life again sharing the memories of others as I read their words of love.
It is early days yet for me without my lover, my mentor and my best friend but I think I could say that I have some small seeds of hope now that I will become strong once again and that my days do now seem a little more peaceful. I wish all those who are bereaved, peace and with much hope that they too can find the solace they need.
I stumbled upon you via Boo’s blog. I am so sorry to read of your loss after your husband’s brave fight.
These early days are so difficult and your loss is so raw. I hope you have been able to find some peace over the holiday period.
J.
So very pleased to read of your “small seeds of hope”, Susie. That is a start. One step at a time, my friend ♥
It is a slow process and different for everyone. Small steps at reshaping your life will eventually come together and you will slip into a new routine without even noticeing. It is very good to cry,I often think its the hearts way of releasing the love that it holds for your loved one. You are doing great,always in my thoughts,my friend. Love Karen xxx
Thinking of you. Warm hugs Susie.
It is a hard road to walk and climb to become one person that is whole when you were like a Siamese twin with your beloved Hamada. His ‘severation’ from you is not unlike a surgical cutting and the healing takes a long time. But he is not far away… I am one who believes that love does not ever die and that the ones we love, we still love, as if they were on a trip somewhere, and they still love us too… and at least in dreams he can come to you without his mantle of pain… I hope you have some wonderful dreams to help your aching heart. Hugs, Sandy
Thank you for your kind words “J in Wales” The holiday period was tough but then a v bad ‘nosedive’ just after, rendered me so very distressed. I am feeling calmer now and steady in thought and certainly do feel more peaceful. Thank you for caring. Hope you come visit here again.
@ Dianne – thank you for your continued support when you also have much pain and so much to adjust to everyday. Big Hugs.
@ Karen Very wise words – thank you.
@ Thanks Lori x
@ Sandy Your words always encompass everything I feel but during the last few years of nursing I lost the ability to dream due to not sleeping deeply enough – I pray that as my sleep pattern adjust once again I will at last dream. I would love to see my dear Hamada in my dreams I would sleep on and on.
With great affection Susie x
Dear Susie,
I am glad that you are feeling this peace. May your memories of dear Hamada always be a blessing for you !
Assuring you of my daily prayers for your whole family and sending hugs,
Sian
Hi Susie, it was good to read that you are having some peaceful days and I hope that they last … when you find yourself having darker days, remember that they shall pass and you will have days like these again. Thank you for the speedy delivery of your book which I have been reading, some poems three or four times. So beautiful and testament to Hamada and your love.
In case you missed it, I wrote about you here:
http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2011/01/beautiful-words.html
and I thought I’d mention that there is a website:
http://www.poeticmedicine.com
It dawned on me that they would so value your poetry and when you feel strong enough, you might even like to contact them … just a thought 🙂